I’d like you to think about the last time you had to reject someone socially – for example, tell them that you couldn’t go to a dinner they were hosting or attend a party you had been invited to.
Did you say the word “sorry”?
If you did you may well have made things worse for the other person as, according to research from Dartmouth College in New Hampshire that came out last year, it can actually increase social pain.
As published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology lead author Gili Freedman outlines the reasons why: “Contrary to popular belief, apologies don’t soften the blow of rejections,” she said.
“Most people have had the experience of wanting to minimize the hurt of the person they are rejecting. But how exactly do you do that? Our research finds that despite their good intentions, people are going about it the wrong way. They often apologize, but that makes people feel worse and that they have to forgive the rejector before they are ready.”
So, next time you have to apologise in this specific scenario (social rejection) you might want to try to not say the very word that might feel most appropriate – “sorry”.
I hope that is of use and I’ll be back in a week’s time with some more meetology – exploring the fascinating psychology powering exceptional people skills.
See you next week, until then take care,
Gili Freedman, Erin M. Burgoon, Jason D. Ferrell, James W. Pennebaker, Jennifer S. Beer. When Saying Sorry May Not Help: The Impact of Apologies on Social Rejections. Frontiers in Psychology, 2017; 8